Posted January 6, 2025
It started out only happening at nighttime when I was younger. I would often see animals in my bedroom, such as snakes, cats, or other creatures. The worst was when I would see ants or spiders crawling up my walls or in my bed, but when I freaked and turned on the light there was nothing there. And I just assumed these experiences were normal.
Fast forward several years, and it’s no longer only happening at nighttime. One of the first times it happened, I was drawing and suddenly I heard voices that were shouting at me. I couldn’t make out what they were saying, but they were upset and angry, and it really shook me. After that, it started happening more and more often, until, several months later, it was almost every day. I would see shadowy forms moving nearby, see the lights in the room change, hear footsteps walking up behind me, hear whispering, hear my name called. When it became much more frequent I felt it was time to tell my therapist, which led to finding out I was having symptoms of onsetting schizoaffective disorder. If I didn’t start taking medication for it, it would only progress and get worse.
Initially I was really scared, because what my brain told me they were saying was “you’re going crazy and if you don’t take these pills you’re going to lose your mind.” Talking to my therapist about it really helped me to see that this wasn’t exactly the case – but I also learned how important it was to try the medication. Since then, three things have been most helpful in my journey dealing with this particular issue.
1) I’ve taken meds for the hallucinations for about seven months now, and it turned out to be a really good decision. It took some adjusting, and they have not gone away completely – I still hear voices sometimes or see figures nearby – but it is much more manageable than it used to be.
2) I’ve kept several people in the loop about it, including my therapist and a couple ‘safe people.’ Having people in your circle who know what is going on and how you’re doing can be extremely healing and significantly lighten the burden you carry. It certainly has in my case.
3) Trusting that whatever happens in my brain and whether I actually lose my mind, that even if I lose everything else I cannot lose Christ, has ultimately been the biggest comfort that I honestly never expected. I was really afraid before coming to that realization. But now, as disturbing as visual and auditory hallucinations can be, they have become an opportunity to put my trust in God again and again, holding onto my faith that He isn’t going anywhere. Now, this poem that I wrote, back when the hallucinations became more frequent, has become my ongoing prayer:
Be my sight when what I see is not reality.
Be my quiet when the whispers get too loud.
Be my light in all the darkness and depravity.
Be my shelter under every forming cloud.
Be my patience in the longing and the waiting.
Be my reason why I get back up to fight.
Be my truth when lies become too captivating.
Be my fire burning steadfast through the night.
And in the midst of unknown probability,
be my hope when life itself appears bereft.
And if the day arrives my mind loses all reliability,
Be everything when nothing else is left.
the fire journey 