I sat on my bed with a knife in my hands and tears in my eyes. At the time I didn’t understand the thoughts and urges that were going through my mind. All I knew was that my brain was telling me to cut myself – and the scary part was that it seemed like the logical thing to do.
I’m not sure if I’ll be able to put adequate words to my personal experience, but I’m going to try. One of the most important things I’ve learned in my mental health journey is that shedding light on dark things and giving up secrets is what keeps them from consuming us – so here goes my attempt at discussing as openly and honestly as I can what might be one of the most difficult subjects to talk about: self-harm.
Firstly, not all self-harm is suicidal. It can be, but just because someone has the urge to hurt themself does not mean they’re trying to die. I have been suicidal as well, and in my own personal experience they have not coincided. They come from the same place, however, and that is the desire to escape; to escape painful feelings, thoughts, or situations. It sounds contradictory, but the logic behind it says that causing yourself physical pain will relieve mental pain.
And it is a relief – for a moment. Afterwards comes the torrent of emotions – i.e. more mental pain – that is the natural consequence of causing yourself intentional harm. It is arguable that the act of self-harm could be considered a traumatic experience. In the moment, it’s very believable that harming yourself will relieve the pain – or at the very least, make the nagging urge go away – but it’s a lie straight out of hell. Self-harm does not solve anything, and in fact makes things worse. The urge always comes back. For me it is the urge to cut again. To go deeper. To bleed more. To feel it more. There is nothing helpful about self-harm, however logical it may seem in the moment.
At the time I’m writing this, I’m still in the midst of learning how to fight the urge and figuring out what coping strategies are most helpful. I think it differs from person to person. One of the best things I have found – and probably the hardest – is talking to a safe person. I still get pretty self-conscious about telling someone, but each time I have, it has been worth it. I’ve found that keeping someone you trust in the loop is so much better than trying to fight it by yourself, and they may be able to help you find a much healthier solution.
If you’re reading this and someone you love struggles with self-harm, one of the most helpful things you can do is to check in on them. Of course it’s important to respect their privacy and not pry – but ask them how they are doing, mean it, and be willing to listen. It can be hard to know what to say to someone who is dealing with this – but the goal is not to know the perfect thing to say, but to simply be there for them nonjudgmentally. Coming from someone who has been on the receiving end, knowing you have someone who is there for you can mean the world.
I still don’t know why my brain works the way it does. And I still don’t know if this is a short-term struggle or something I will be battling for a long time. But either way, despite how difficult some days are, I am learning how to see the many blessings that come through it all – which includes a much greater compassion for those struggling with the same things. Steve Austin, author of Hiding in the Pews, wrote, “We’ve all felt weak or hurt, scared or ashamed. We’ve all been in dark places before, probably more times than we’d like to admit. But darkness is part of what makes us human. We can spend our entire lives running from our humanity, or we can embrace others and God in the midst of the mess.”
Additional information: If you’re reading this and you yourself struggle with self-harm, know that there is no shame in needing help. If you don’t know someone you can reach out to, Crisis Text Line is a free resource that is available 24/7 in the US to chat with a trained volunteer crisis counselor by just texting ‘HOME’ to 741741.
the fire journey 