Posted February 6, 2025
One day I was walking over the bridge of the overpass, and suddenly felt the urge to jump over the edge. Another time I was walking with someone and suddenly imagined myself pushing them into the path of an oncoming car. And another time I was in church and suddenly pictured myself pulling out a gun and shooting people.
According to Wikipedia, an intrusive thought is “an unwelcome, involuntary thought, image, or unpleasant idea that may become an obsession, is upsetting or distressing, and can feel difficult to eliminate.” This is a very good description in my opinion, as it expresses that they are both uninvited and hard to get rid of, which has been very true in my experience.
I used to feel super guilty and ashamed of my violent intrusive thoughts, and felt as though it was a secret that needed to be kept from anyone and everyone lest they think me a violent or evil person. But I have learned since then that there’s a very big difference between involuntary thought and intentional action, and don’t mean anything about who you are as a person.
Likewise, there are two things that I have learned that I think are exponentially important when it comes to dealing with intrusive thoughts, and I thought I’d share them in case there is anyone else here that might find them helpful.
The first is the fact that thoughts are just thoughts. They are nothing more and nothing less. Yes they may feel intense and impossible to get rid of, but they have no control over you. The practice of mindfulness has been very helpful to me when it comes to this, especially practicing ‘defusion’, which helps you to be aware and observant of your thoughts without becoming consumed by them.
The second is that the more you fight thoughts, the harder they are to get rid of. If I try to avoid thinking about stabbing the person standing in front of me, the more the thought festers and the harder it gets to not think about it. What works, however, is accepting that it came into your mind instead of trying to avoid it. Accepting a thought is not the same as entertaining it.
If I had to guess I think that intrusive thoughts are a lot more common than we think. I think they probably just look different for different people, and we don’t talk about them very much. I know that I personally haven’t told many people about mine because I was concerned about what they would think of me. That I was sinning by having these thoughts. But at this point I’ve pretty much decided not to have secrets anymore and accepted the fact that people are going to think what they’re going to think. I absolutely cannot keep worrying about that. What I can do is be open about these struggles. And if it lets even one person know that they’re not alone, it will have been worth it.
the fire journey 