Posted January 30, 2025
I know firsthand how it feels to wonder if God really cares. I have doubted His goodness, His promises, His faithfulness. I have doubted everything. My struggle with anxiety and extreme moodswings have made it even harder, because often in the clutches of intense anxiety or throes of depression, faith is even harder to keep.
So keeping the habit of reading my Bible can be very difficult. And going to church has been difficult at times too – sometimes it’s very easy to fall into the line of thinking that I’m supposed to have it all together and be able to give God my full attention Sunday mornings. But it’s just not realistic when my brain isn’t willing to work with me. The reality is, I have often arrived at church distracted by worry, barely holding up under despair, or even feeling hopeless. The reality is, I have often felt unable to honestly sing the worship music, because it has not felt “well with my soul” and I don’t feel enough faith to sing “praise Him from whom all blessings flow.” And then the guilt sets in, because I’m not supposed to feel hopeless with Jesus, right?
The reality is, sometimes my faith is very, very small.
But God does not discount small faith. In Matthew 17, Jesus talks about faith the size of a mustard seed – which is tiny, almost unnoticeable. What I have had to learn is how to hold onto faith this small – which has meant continuing to go to church and commune with the body of Christ, even when I’m not feeling it. Especially when I’m not feeling it. I’ve had to learn that sometimes keeping the faith means simply showing up. Regardless of how you feel, it’s through your actions that you live out your belief. This has been one of the most important things I have learned.
And for me keeping faith has included having to accept the fact that sometimes God chooses not to alleviate suffering. It has taken me a long time to be able to come to terms with this – that God may very well not take away mental illness – but that does not mean He loves me any less. Nor does it negate His faithfulness and His promise that one day we will we made whole. Nor does it mean He does not cause blessings and very good things to come out of seemingly hopeless situations.
So, I continue doing life together with my community. And I continue learning what it means to persevere. Some days, all I’m able to pray is “God, all I can ask is that some good comes out of this.” And that’s ok.
The lyrics to MercyMe’s song, Even If, have become a continuous prayer when it comes to journeying through the fire and facing mountains that He chooses not to move: “I know You’re able and I know You can save through the fire with Your mighty hand, but even if You don’t, my hope is You alone. I know the sorrow and I know the hurt would all go away if You just say the word, but even if You don’t, my hope is You alone.”
the fire journey 